Male Bashing

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B. So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.

How are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

What is the difference between men and women:....

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.